Civil conversation seems like a thing of the past. It wasn’t long ago that you could talk about religion, politics, or life without being attacked, but that seems like a relic in some museums. Many companies, even now, have outlawed their employees from having those conversations on the job because they develop into full-blown, explosive, divisive arguments.
But civil conversations — even debate and disagreement — are healthy. They are the cornerstone of progress. Think immigration, abortion, church and state, politics in general, student loans, religion, or even locally at your church or school board. And while there is virtually little genuine conversation today, it is worth exploring other ways to continue this essential discussion.
Instead of progress-building, understanding-based discussion, we cast personal aspersions and demeaning stones in much of our dialogue today. If I disagree with you, I’m not just wrong; somehow, I’m a disgusting and deplorable low-life. And before you go shouting me down, it comes from all sides — because there aren’t just two sides anymore.
Everyone has holed up in their silos, except when they venture out into social media to hurl insults, abusive put-downs, and word-slam you into cyber oblivion. Then they run back to their silo as if nothing happened. Cyberspace, you’ve been there, right? The word-twisting, conflating place you go to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, and pummeled almost before you hit “enter” on your keyboard. Don’t shout me down when I’m preaching good. You’ve done it, too, right?
To be sure, the news media and politicians are often to blame as they set the tone and pour gas onto already-soaring flames. Still, each of us has a responsibility to maintain the civility of our conversations. It starts at home, church, at work, at the grocery store, and at the golf course. As I’ve often said, you can control only a few things: Your attitude, words, and responses. But, note that nowhere in that statement did it say you can control other people’s feelings, thoughts, words, or views. And that’s where most of us get into trouble.
As with most areas of our lives, civility is a choice. If you aren’t welcome or don’t like what you’re hearing, you can step away from a conversation or turn off the TV or the social media outlet — or at least the thread or post.
But wait, there’s more. You don’t have to give up. You may need to bite your tongue, but you can find value in carrying on the civility, even if it’s seemingly one-sided.
Don’t get me wrong, when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. But if you want to ensure you’ve given the conversation every opportunity, ask a few clarifying questions. Asking someone questions about their position, thoughts, or opinions opens doors to continuing civility. And, heck, it will help you learn more too.
- Tell me more about that.
- How did you reach that conclusion?
- Help me understand…
- That seems important to you. What makes it important?
- Can you tell me about your convictions without bashing someone else’s?
- I would like to hear more about you. Where were you born? How did you get where you are?
It’s okay to challenge thought and opinion, but you don’t need to stoop to conflate the conversation or cast demeaning rhetoric. Remember, you have a choice. You can stay focused on the conversation or wallow in the pig sty, simple as that.
Start having these conversations at home or church. Most people who want to shout at you on Facebook don’t even know you, so don’t run out to social media with this new-found interest in civility and curiosity. Ask questions. Stay curious. Not condemningly. Seek to understand and learn because it’s about cultivating a relationship, not winning a conversation. Build rapport, and then you can build trust. Then, and only then, will you have a civil discussion.
Remember, having a civil conversation is not about being right and wrong. It’s about respect and understanding. If incivility presents itself, don’t join in — you are not obligated. The actual conversation begins when you stop talking and start listening.
Stick to the merits of the conversation, and don’t chase rabbits. Chasing rabbits only rachets up the conversation, and you’ll look back and wonder how you got there. Stay focused, calm, and curious.
Let’s recap:
- Venture outside your silo.
- Stay curious. Ask, don’t tell. See how many questions you can ask.
- Resist the urge to join in personal bashing.
- Stop talking and start listening.
- Disagree, but with grace.
- It’s more about respect and consideration than being right or winning the argument.
- Listen to understand, not to come back with a “yeah, but.”
- Stop thinking about your next question or your next statement.
- Remove yourself when you’ve done all you can. Protecting yourself is your top priority.
Respect, consideration, and civil conversation are some things you can try at home, then take it out for a test drive.